Attachement styles and schemas
Attachment styles and schemas can help us understand why difficult situations arise in relationships, particularly romantic relationships. These patterns can also contribute to conflict. Past experiences may influence how a person responds to the fear of abandonment, intimacy, conflict, or disappointment. One person may constantly seek reassurance of love, another may withdraw when intimacy feels threatening, and a third may react strongly when they feel rejected.
What matters is how a person behaves and treats others when conflicts arise in a relationship. Even difficult feelings should be possible to discuss, and both partners should make an effort to resolve disagreements.
Attachment styles describe how we learn to form close relationships, experience safety, and respond to intimacy, distance, and conflict. They are based on attachment theory, developed by psychologist John Bowlby and later expanded through Mary Ainsworth’s research.
Early experiences with caregivers can influence how we learn to trust others, express our needs, and seek security. However, our attachment styles are not permanently determined in childhood. They can change through life experiences and relationships. Different patterns may also emerge in different relationships.
Attachment styles can influence how we behave in romantic relationships, particularly during periods of uncertainty and conflict. Different ways of seeking closeness or protecting ourselves can lead to misunderstandings and recurring disagreements.
Attachment styles describe ways of relating to intimacy, security, and dependence in relationships. They are not permanent personality classifications or diagnoses, and the same person may behave differently in different relationships and life circumstances. An attachment style can help explain behaviour, but it does not justify hurting others. What matters is how a person treats their partner, respects boundaries, and takes responsibility for the impact of their actions.
When discussing adult attachment styles, a four-category model is often used:
- Secure: Intimacy and independence feel natural. A person can talk about their needs and feelings, and conflicts can be addressed without a constant fear of abandonment or a need to withdraw.
- Dismissive-avoidant: Independence is emphasised, and intimacy or dependence on another person may feel uncomfortable. A person may downplay their need for closeness, withdraw, or avoid difficult conversations. Problems arise when they cannot acknowledge the impact of their withdrawal on their partner or discuss it openly.
- Fearful-avoidant: A person longs for closeness but may also fear it or the vulnerability it involves. They may alternate between seeking connection and withdrawing because intimacy triggers both a need for security and feelings of distrust or fear.
- Anxious-preoccupied: Fear of abandonment and uncertainty about the relationship may become particularly strong. A person may repeatedly seek reassurance and closeness and interpret distance as rejection. Problems arise when reassurance-seeking becomes pressuring or the other person’s boundaries are not respected.
An attachment style does not define a person, and an insecure attachment style does not automatically make a relationship abusive. No attachment style justifies or, by itself, explains violence such as threats, controlling behaviour, or boundary violations.
Everyone is responsible for their own behaviour, and a safe relationship requires mutual respect. Adults can generally learn to recognise their own patterns, take responsibility for personal growth, and seek support in making changes. Change takes time and resources and often requires painful self-reflection and a sustained commitment to doing the work.
Schemas, also referred to as early maladaptive schemas in schema therapy, are deeply rooted patterns of thought and emotion described in the schema therapy approach developed by psychologist Jeffrey Young. They often develop from experiences during childhood and adolescence. They influence how we interpret ourselves, other people, and different situations. A schema may be triggered, for example, when we fear abandonment, criticism, or not being good enough.
In romantic relationships, schemas may manifest as intense jealousy, a constant need for approval, neglecting one's own needs, or withdrawing from intimacy. They may also lead us to interpret another person's behaviour through the lens of past experiences, even when the present situation is different.
Schemas are not permanent characteristics. Their influence can be recognised and reduced. Understanding our own reactions can help us build safer relationships and express our needs in healthier ways.
Schemas can influence how a person interprets another person's behaviour, responds to conflict, and acts in close relationships. The same schema may manifest differently in different people, and having a schema does not automatically mean that someone will behave harmfully.
Although schemas can help us understand our own behaviour or that of another person, they do not justify controlling, invalidating, or abusing someone. Everyone is responsible for their own behaviour, and in a safe relationship, both partners' needs and boundaries are respected.
According to Jeffrey Young's schema therapy model, there are 18 schemas grouped into five broad domains:
1. Disconnection and Rejection
- Abandonment: Fear that a close person will leave, reject you, or stop loving you.
- Mistrust/Abuse: Expecting others to hurt you, exploit you, or betray your trust.
- Defectiveness/Shame: Feeling that you are not good enough or cannot be accepted as you are.
- Social Isolation/Alienation: Feeling that you do not belong or are different from everyone else.
- Emotional Deprivation: Feeling that you do not receive enough love, attention, understanding, or support.
2. Impaired Autonomy and Performance
- Dependence/Incompetence: Believing that you cannot manage on your own or make the right decisions without help from others.
- Enmeshment/Undeveloped Self: Having difficulty developing your own identity and independence because your sense of self and needs are excessively intertwined with those of a close person.
- Vulnerability to Harm or Illness: Persistent fear that something terrible will happen, such as illness, loss, or another catastrophe.
- Failure: Believing that you are inferior to others or destined to fail.
3. Impaired Limits
- Entitlement/Grandiosity: Feeling that your own needs or rights are more important than those of others and that the rules should not apply to you in the same way.
- Insufficient Self-Control/Self-Discipline: Difficulty tolerating discomfort, disappointment, or frustration, or controlling impulses.
4. Other-Directedness
- Subjugation: Suppressing your own needs and opinions to avoid conflict, rejection, or another person's anger.
- Approval-Seeking/Recognition-Seeking: Basing your sense of self-worth on the approval, admiration, or opinions of others.
- Self-Sacrifice: Consistently putting other people's needs ahead of your own, often because of guilt or a sense of responsibility.
5. Overvigilance and Inhibition
- Negativity/Pessimism: Tendency to focus on the negative aspects of life, potential threats, and possible failures while downplaying positive things.
- Unrelenting Standards/Hypercriticalness: Feeling that you must perform, succeed, or act perfectly to be good enough.
- Emotional Inhibition: Hiding your feelings and needs to avoid appearing weak, difficult, or overly emotional.
- Punitiveness: Believing that mistakes should be punished, either in yourself or others, and that imperfection is unacceptable.
Understanding does not mean acceptance
Everyone may sometimes behave hurtfully, become defensive, or act in ways they later regret. Recognising harmful behaviour begins with being able to examine one's own actions and their impact on another person. A person can acknowledge that they acted wrongly, listen to the other person's experience, apologise, and, above all, change their behaviour.
The situation is more serious when hurtful behaviour, invalidation, threats, controlling behaviour, or boundary violations are repeated. It is particularly concerning if the other person refuses to accept your right to your own opinions, decisions, and relationships, punishes you for setting boundaries—for example, through the silent treatment—or makes you afraid of their reactions. Even without physical violence, such behaviour may constitute emotional abuse or coercive control. Threatening physical violence is also a form of violence. Violence does not have to be physical, last for a long time, or happen repeatedly for you to be entitled to seek help.
You may try to understand another person's hurtful behaviour through their schemas and attachment style, but understanding does not mean accepting the behaviour. A difficult childhood, insecure attachment, or a schema may help explain the factors behind someone's behaviour, but none of these justifies harming another person. You do not need to work out why someone behaves the way they do to take your own experience seriously: This is not good for me.
What matters is whether a person can recognise the impact of their behaviour, respect their partner's boundaries, and take responsibility for changing their actions. If they insist that their behaviour is justified, continually blame their partner, or refuse to examine their own contribution to the situation, you cannot rely on hopes alone that their behaviour will change.
Relationship problems cannot be explained by attachment styles or schemas alone. You do not need to determine whether your partner's behaviour stems from an attachment style, a schema, or something else. You can focus on how they treat you, whether you can express yourself safely, and whether your boundaries are respected. If harmful behaviour continues and the other person refuses to take responsibility, it is important to consider whether you are well and whether you want to remain in the relationship as it currently is.
When attachment styles begin to harm a relationship
A person with an avoidant attachment style may find increasing intimacy distressing and withdraw just as the relationship begins to deepen. Their partner may experience this withdrawal as repeated rejection or abandonment and begin seeking more and more reassurance that they are loved. The need for closeness and the need to withdraw can reinforce each other, creating a difficult and exhausting cycle.
Withdrawing or needing personal space is not, in itself, abuse. For the sake of trust in a relationship, it is important to be able to communicate the need for space in a way that takes the other person's feelings into account and respects them. The situation becomes harmful when withdrawal hurts the other person and the issue cannot be discussed, their experiences are dismissed, or their perceptions and feelings are repeatedly denied or questioned. If, for example, someone denies what happened, continually shifts responsibility onto their partner, or makes their partner doubt their own perception of reality, this may constitute emotional abuse and gaslighting. Everyone has the right to personal space, but also the right to be heard and treated with respect.
A person with an anxious attachment style, in turn, may be intensely afraid of abandonment and try to relieve that fear through clinginess, repeatedly seeking reassurance, jealousy, or monitoring their partner's behaviour. They may feel they need ever more proof of love, even when their partner has already reassured them many times. They may begin to make unfounded accusations or blame their partner unfairly. Their partner may feel that they are not trusted, have no privacy, or cannot move around and live freely without suspicion and having to explain themselves. Anxious behaviour can become controlling behaviour, emotional abuse, gaslighting, or even physical violence.
Fear of abandonment may help explain where such behaviour comes from, but it does not justify controlling another person, invading their privacy, or restricting their freedom. Similarly, fear of intimacy does not justify repeatedly rejecting, invalidating, or dismissing another person's experiences. Sometimes a harmful relationship can contribute to the development of anxious behaviours because a person is pushed into a state of constant vigilance and has their sense of reality undermined.
A person with a fearful-avoidant attachment style may strongly desire closeness while also fearing it. For example, they may seek their partner's closeness and comfort, but when their partner responds warmly, they may become frightened, question the other person's intentions, or push them away. They may alternate between intense attachment, distrust, and withdrawal, leaving their partner unsure of what is expected of them.
How schemas can contribute to harmful relationship dynamics
Behaviour in relationships cannot be explained by attachment patterns alone. Self-esteem, past experiences, situational factors, and interpersonal dynamics also play a role. Schemas may influence how a person interprets situations, relates to their partner, and justifies their own behaviour. Often, several factors interact.
When insecure attachment patterns are combined with schemas such as mistrust or fear of abandonment, a person may interpret even ordinary behaviour by their partner as threatening and react intensely. An attachment style can help explain conflicting reactions, but it does not justify intimidation, threats, controlling behaviour, or violating another person's boundaries. What matters is whether the person recognises the impact of their behaviour and takes responsibility for changing it.
For example, the entitlement schema may lead someone to believe they have the right to get their way or act according to their own needs regardless of how this affects their partner. They may interpret jealousy as love and as a justification for monitoring their partner, demanding constant reassurance, or restricting their freedom. They may also experience their partner's boundaries as offensive or unreasonable because they consider their own needs more important. They may show little or no respect for the other person's boundaries.
The abandonment schema, on the other hand, may intensify the fear of being left and lead someone to interpret their partner's need for time alone or space as a sign that love is ending. Emotional inhibition or emotional suppression may make it difficult to express one's feelings and respond to another person's experiences. A person may withdraw, remain silent, or dismiss their partner's feelings because they do not know how to process their own emotions in the situation.
Attachment styles and schemas can therefore reinforce harmful interaction patterns. For example, one person may fear abandonment and continually seek reassurance, while the other experiences these demands as overwhelming and withdraws. If neither can examine their own behaviour, a harmful cycle may develop. The situation can become particularly damaging when one person begins to control, invalidate, intimidate, or violate their partner's boundaries. Harmful behaviour can occur on both sides.
What if the other person does not recognise their behaviour?
Both partners may experience the situation as difficult and feel unsafe. Making a relationship safer requires both people to be able to examine their own behaviour and its impact on the other person. Simply explaining one's fears, schemas, or attachment patterns is not enough if the harmful behaviour continues.
If you have explained how the other person's behaviour makes you feel, but they refuse to listen, take responsibility, or try to change their behaviour, pause and consider your own situation: Am I willing to live in this kind of relationship if nothing changes? Do not evaluate the relationship only on the basis of what it is like at its best or what you hope it will become. Consider what everyday life is like now and how it affects your wellbeing.
You cannot change another person. You have the right to set boundaries, seek outside support, and decide what kind of relationship you want to be in. If the relationship involves intimidation, threats, gaslighting, dismissal, invalidation, controlling behaviour, or other forms of violence, you do not have to wait for the other person to understand or accept your experience before seeking help or protecting your safety. Nor do you have to wait for their agreement before deciding to leave the relationship.
Can the other person change?
People can learn to recognise their schemas and behavioural patterns, understand their own reactions, and develop safer ways of relating to others. However, change always requires a willingness to take responsibility. What matters is not simply whether the other person promises to change or feels remorse after an argument, but whether they recognise the problem with their behaviour, take concrete steps to change it, and demonstrate that change consistently over time.
If the other person denies what happened, blames you for their behaviour, dismisses your experiences, or promises to change but continues doing the same things, you do not have to keep waiting for them to understand the situation someday. You cannot do the work of change on someone else's behalf. You have the right to set boundaries, seek support, or end the relationship, even if you understand why the other person behaves as they do.
Can a harmful relationship change your own attachment style?
A harmful relationship can affect how you experience intimacy and safety. If you previously trusted yourself and your relationships but find yourself constantly monitoring the other person's reactions, fearing abandonment, or seeking approval, you may begin behaving in ways that feel unfamiliar to you. You may become clingy, jealous, withdrawn, self-doubting, or constantly alert to changes in the other person's mood.
This does not mean that the relationship's problems originally stemmed from you. Your behaviour may be a response to prolonged insecurity in a harmful relationship. As safety and trust begin to return, your experience of closeness and the ways you relate to others may gradually change as well.
Remember: You do not need to diagnose the other person, understand every factor behind their behaviour, or wait for them to change in order to protect yourself. What matters most in a relationship is not why the other person behaves harmfully, but what happens, how it affects you, and whether the relationship is safe for you.
